the great unlearning

by Shim Kwang,

zen, the great unlearning
all your answers questioned

sometimes I wonder, what is happening to me?
is it happening to others?
great frustration, great confusion, great doubt

then I stop - me? what am I?
who is asking these questions?
who wants to know?
who or what is it that is aware of this "I"?

a torrent of thoughts appears
return to the breath, one says
watch, witness, observe, says another

sun’s rays beam through an open window
a cat asleep on the sofa
birds chirping in the trees
hungry

Is this it? KATZ!!!

Zen Retreat

by Kevin,

This retreat was a practical learning experience for me. I learned about the effects of emotional pain, how emotional storms rage in the mind and how they can lead to potentially insane actions. I learned however that these storms pass. I learned to deal with the storm, by firstly acknowledging it, and then by bringing my attention to my breath.

I learned that the mind can only fully concentrate on one thing at a time. During an emotional storm my full concentration is on the endless circulating thoughts, thoughts about difficult or unpleasant past experiences or thoughts anticipating future difficulties. As each bad thought arises I experience emotional pain, and the emotional pain builds up. These thoughts, if not seen and arrested, can drive us almost mad. I learned however that if the mind comes to its senses, by fully focusing on a sense object, the circulating thoughts are quietened and the storm starts to abate.

I learned that when sitting meditating on the cushion, the most powerful sense tool we have is the breath. I found that the mind can be calmed by concentrating fully on the sense experience of breath Feeling the air going in, feeling the lungs expanding, and at the top of the breath, ONE, then releasing, feeling the air escaping, feeling the lungs relaxing, and then at the bottom of the breath TWO, and then on. Outside, at end of the sitting I notice that the storm has passed.

But what did the storm teach me? Well three things, firstly that they pass, secondly that they are the result of my mind concentrating on something unpleasant , and thirdly that the mind can be stilled by shifting its awareness fully into the sense world, or to use the popular expressing “ coming to my senses “, and this is most simply done by following the breath, in and out.

On the way home from the retreat, my mind once again started to drift towards a difficult family situation, my mind started to dwell on it and once again I started to go down the emotional hole. At this stage I remembered another important everyday practice which is “don’t dwell in the drama”. But how do we stop dwelling in it? Again, come to the senses, follow the breath!
So, what is Zen practice, both formal and informal? What is a Zen life all about? For me, the object of a Zen life is simply to awaken to life as it is, as it is without a story. Zen practice is that set of tools I use to pluck me out of mind and to bring my awareness back to now, to awaken me to the present moment as it is without a story.

During this retreat four of us took Precepts. Thomasz took his first five. Johannes and Kevin took their next five, leading them into their lives as a “Dharma Teacher in Training”, and Ron took his next six as a “Senior Dharma Teacher”.

Since taking my next five Precepts, life has turned into a Kong-An, continuous Kong-An work in progress. And as with trying to solve a Kong-An, I keep finding out NOT THAT, and the Kong-An gets presented again.

This was a very strong retreat. Fifteen of us walked out after the four days of formal practice. May life bless us all with the lessons we need, may we be awake enough to see them, and may we learn to keep coming to our senses.

Zen retreat June 2009

by Jane,

My head is clear of muddled thoughts, my heart is light … one week after the 4 day Zen retreat … and this is what I notice, but am learning not to hold on to!! the acceptance of what is, and knowing that this is changing all the time.

4 days in Robertson at the Dharma centre – welcoming the silence, feeling at home with the smells of incense, delicious food cooking, rosemary and lavender from the garden, the comfort of the rituals and the discipline, the discomfort of my knees after the first day of sitting, the calms and the storms that flow through the mind, the love and compassion, the pain of thoughts.

My “mind” goes over and over the answer to a koan and then I think “This is it”, I have the correct answer – but no! and back to the cushion, keep it simple.

My love and thanks to Heila Soen Sa Nim and Rodney and all the members of the Sangha, and all sentient beings.

taking precepts, by 'Shim Kwang'

One minute of zazen,
 one inch Buddha.
Like a lightning flash,
 thoughts just
 come and go.
Look once 
into the ground of mind 
and nothing else
 has ever been.
Manzan Dohaku (1635-1714)

The June 2009 retreat holds a special place in my heart. It started out like many others, but ended very differently.

The retreat was very well attended; with a superb head Dharma teacher and his running commentaries; outstanding moktak masters; evening chant solo’s and exquisite food.

On Sunday we had the precepts ceremony, where Ron took on the Senior Dharma teacher precepts, Kevin and Johannes took on the Dharma teacher-in-training precepts. And six years after joining, I eventually also took a big step in my life and took the five precepts.

What made the precepts ceremony more meaningful was the fact that a few outside people and loved ones joined us. The ceremony itself was also very moving, and while sitting there, a sudden realisation took place: I was no longer doing this for myself; I was doing this for everyone else. What a responsibility! What a daunting task! What did I get myself into!

At the end of the retreat, in our typical circle talk, everyone had very insightful comments and a great sense of togetherness prevailed.

The retreat left me inspired and excited to go back to the world and practice – and patiently await the next retreat encounter.

Lastly I would like to thank Heila Soen Sa Nim and Rodney for their teaching, time and patience!

Shuzen Sensei Retreat

by Sangha member, Ryan

We had a full house in March with Shuzen Sensei, assisted by Jinshin, leading a Zen retreat in Roberston. The form was quite familiar to those accustomed to the Korean style of Zen: sitting, chanting, noble silence...


After we'd all had some time to quiet our minds, Shuzen conducted a workshop dealing with the I-System. For a change, we were asked to open our mouths on retreat! The workshop was a fusion of Western psychology and the Eastern Wisdom. It was an insightful experience that shed some light on the mechanisms of our delusion and causes of our suffering.

Shuzen's sense of humour shone bright and undermined each of our attempts to take our Identity System too seriously!

His way of being was the core of his teaching.
We look forward to Being Here with him again.

why the ego does not want to change

written by a prison-Sangha member

Our unchanging true self knows of its unchanging powers that are within us all the time. The ego mimics this same attitude in self-perception, as a measure of self preservation. The ego pretends to possess the same unchanging powers as the true self has, by creation and attachment to the perception of self.

This perceived self is not our true self, it is merely the path of awareness of the ‘I – ME – MINE’ thinking.

Our unchanging true self does not have to try to cling and attach to anything. Its nature is unchangeable anyhow, so to speak. It’s awareness remains active and unchanged by thoughts. Therefore we can differentiate between active and passive awareness.

Can we plan anything but still stay in active awareness? Since planning is done to get a needed reaction and to bring forth a desired change into our lives, the influence of our ego in our actions determine whether we can experience, what is termed mindful awareness in action MAIA.

When planning is done with an unchanging mind (Zen mind) and the ego is not the driving force anymore, there is no more attachment to the perception of self as in ‘I – ME – MINE’.

What is making it so difficult for us to change our ego, is that our true self has to realize its powers in active awareness first.

(from ‘inside’!)

Reflections on the Kido Retreat

by Sangha Member Ron Schiff

What is it that makes anything memorable? Clearly there is the activity itself, but without the mindful connection of "being there", it would just become another brush-stroke in our everyday lives. I think too that when something stands out in relief, it is far more noticeable. And that is how I recall the Kido retreat last week.

Without wishing to make “same” or “different”, it was in many respects unlike our usual form of retreat – slightly later start, no morning bows and a noticeable shift from black cushions to straw bales in a much bigger Dharma Room out there beneath the open skies above Tamasine’s and Michael’s Natural Horsemanship Centre at Long Valley Farm behind Robertson.

But that was not the only difference. Perhaps the most significant transformation for all of us who commented on it later, was something in the practice itself that marked a tangible shift from the first to the second day of the retreat. For some reason, I personally found that first day a little strange and was unable to relax into the practice. Everything seemed somewhat theatrical and in hindsight I recognise my own checking mind. So on day two as we quietly took our places on the cushions in a darkened Dharma room surrounded by the soft glow of candles and joined in chanting the Om Nam mantra led by Heila PSN, everything was exactly the same as day one. Except that it wasn’t!

Something inexplicable happened that allowed us to connect at a deep level. Sitting there in the flickering candlelight, I remember fully immersing myself in the soft chanting and I had such a profound sense of sharing the moment with friends - Rebecca, Lauren, Dion, Darryl, Jane, Kevin, Ian, Tamasine and of course our wonderful teachers Heila PSN and Rodney. I am reluctant to explore the reasons for this change any further but I truly believe that it came about by attaining "no attainment with nothing to attain".

Later that day as we sat on straw bales in the garden, the sunlight just catching the tops of the mountains with the playful frolicking of the horses and bubbling of the nearby stream in the background, we struck an assortment of drums, moktaks, bells and even an upturned cooking pot, chanting for hours - sometimes with energy and sometimes just a quiet pulse. Heila PSN observed how passing the responsibility of leading the chants from one person to the other was just like handing over the baton in a relay race – that momentary shift in tempo before everyone settled down again to the new rhythm.

During this retreat, I was strongly reminded what my practice is all about – the awareness and the mindfulness are of course not ends in themselves but merely tools that help us to connect with something “bigger” than ourselves – to feel that profound sense of total engagement in what we instinctively know to be true and authentic - intangible and yet very palpable. Something that I recognised is already part of me. I had just forgotten it!

So finally, in deference to that old question about how many Zen monks it takes to change a light bulb, a recent psychology article agreed that it takes only one, but added that the light bulb really has to want to be changed. And there is no doubt in my mind that all of us who attended the retreat definitely wanted to be there.

In this regard, my love and warmth go out to our dearest friends Tamasine and Michael for so graciously opening their home to us - and to Heila PSN and Rodney, who make this all possible. My deepest respect also to all of you who were there, and likewise to those who were not able to physically join us. Michael who was on the sidelines mentioned how profoundly he was affected by simply witnessing our chanting, and I have no doubt that our practice in and of itself does indeed make a big difference to this world. I am reminded of something I once read by Thich Nhat Hanh who said "if you do not give yourself peace, how can you share it with others”?

Horsemanship and Mindfulness practice

by Sangha member Tamasine Smith,

Horsemanship practice and mindfulness practice, while it may be possible to separate them on paper and for the purpose of discussion, they become in-separable when put into actual practice.
When I was asked to write this I thought that it would be easy, however, when I sat down to write, it was much more challenging. When asked to describe one I find that the other is automatically there - I guess horsemanship is mindfulness in action as opposed to sitting practice. Suddenly “sitting is just sitting”, “reading is just reading” made more sense.

When I started studying horsemanship I heard a lot of phrases like “it is more about who we need to be (for the horse) than the method of training”, that we might need to be “many different people in one training session” in order to help a horse and that we would need to change from moment to moment. I also heard that we need to be “in the moment” because that is the only place that the horse resides - he does not live in the past or worry about the future, he is only intent on the here and now.

Teachers explained that “horses are our mirrors” and that the emotions they bring up in us when we work with them reflect us. At first this did not make a lot of sense, but over time, in particular once I started teaching, I noticed that when someone is ineffective and lacks leadership - the horse pushes them around and takes over because it does not know where it stands, if someone is too busy around a horse and can’t be still their horse tends also to be full of energy, maybe even a bit scared and erratic and if someone can’t pay attention theirs is the horse that is unfocused.

My teachers also spoke about compassion and how it is important when working with a horse to “ask and allow” not “demand and make” and that when compassion is not fuzzy and ill defined but firm and effective. Just be-ing “nice” does not get us anywhere, the leadership required must be reliable and consistent without buying into anger and frustration or getting emotive. I also learnt that we are human and that those kind of emotions do arise, often more frequently in our early practice, and that when they do, we should “let them go”. I was taught to become “aware of them” and attempt not to buy into them. It was made clear that such emotions are “OK” it is acting on them that can do harm to ourselves and our horses. I also heard how we should not beat up on ourselves if we have made a mistake - because “there are no mistakes - just opportunities to learn”.

Just as with Zen practice though, until I “did” rather than just “studied” horse-manship, I did not really “know” these things and once I had enough knowl-edge and experience to start teaching, things became even clearer. My hu-man teachers were (are) still wonderful and continue to guide me, but the greatest teachers have been the “horses” because they have given me direct experience. They showed me these things in practice and they showed me how mindfulness really is. They never miss anything.

I watch new students learning and it is very difficult. Often what they face in themselves is hard and it is easier to give up and return to old habits than create new ones. Often, when I am with a horse there is nothing else, we are at one and there is no beginning and no end. I have no idea how to explain it - there are no words that make sense of it - it just is. When I first attended the Centre in Robertson I was asked how do I know what “sweet” tastes like? We have to actually taste it and when we do, we just know. It often works like this with horsemanship - when we “taste it” we just know.

I was recently re-reading the stories about the students who wanted to attain Kensho in “The Three Pillars of Zen”... The writers all describe how they want it, that they must get it at all costs and that they will strive for it... The way they describe it and their journey to it is very similar to what happens to students of horsemanship.
“Feel” is the horseman’s “Kensho”. We wish to attain this “feel” and have it for ourselves. We understand that the only way to work with a horse is with feel but when we start out we don’t “know” exactly what it is. We have a theoretical idea of course, we can read about it and listen to lectures on it - but everyone’s individual experience, even when they “get it” will be different. No two people’s feel is exactly the same.
Students start to ask things like what is feel and how do we get it? How do we know when we have got it?! Students search for it, strive for it, work hard at it, get stressed about it, get frustrated for it, demand it, try for it... yet when they let that go and have a softness about them, when they let go of the reins and old habits, when they trust that it will happen and let go of their rigidity of trying - it appears. It’s the “ah ha moment”. When it happens there is the most amazing feeling of clarity and “knowing” - but often it is gone in a flash because the student tries to grasp onto it and the old rigidity comes back. However, once glimpsed, they know it is there. The trying harder, the getting rigid again is all just part of the journey. This is nothing to worry about though, because as one trainer puts it “It often gets darker before it gets dawn!”
With horsemanship it can be frustrating for the student receiving instruction because things change from moment to moment. In one instance they are being asked to do one thing and in the very next, something completely dif-ferent and maybe the opposite! Horsemanship is the essence of change! When this is accepted and the student goes with it rather than trying to hold on to the past (even if that was a microsecond ago) then everything starts to flow.

The more I attend the Dharma centre, the more these themes come up and I could as easily be in a horsemanship lesson as in the Dharma Hall - in fact they are the same thing. There is a thread that joins the practice to the horsemanship and the horsemanship to the practice and they can not be separated.